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heartwrenching
Saturday, July 05, 2008
what is heartwrenching?
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its when you see someone you love is slowly dying away in front of u....
ah ma is seriously ill...
admitted since last Sat. The doc asked us to be prepared last Sun, cos her blood pressure was falling at an alarming rate, says her organs are failing her, gave her the strongest antibiotics.

ah ma is a fighter, she fought well.. =)
today the doc decided to stop all medication cos its not helping her, its all up to her now.
the doc said, "it could be anytime"

im lost, like i always have been when it comes to death.
but i cant bear to call anyone up to tell them or to pour my heart out.
cos i cant stand hearing myself telling someone else 'my ah ma is dying'
its too heartwrenching....
but ah ma has raised a bunch of strong children, tears have not been shed since.
maybe they have at individual homes, but nv when we're all beside ah ma.
bearing in mind that 'ah ma will know', no one shed a tear.

how will we tell my poor ah gong, how will my best fren react when he knows his wife is dying?
'he will know', mummy said, but i wish we will never need to tell him.

i miss ah gong, i haven seen him in 2 weeks, been visiting ah ma everyday. But im afraid i will cry when i see ah gong.

Im so lousy, i simply cannot handle deaths.

if i have the chance:

" Dear Ah ma,

I hope you're not in pain, you've been very brave, a brave brave fighter. Thank you for showing me real braveness. Thank you for teaching me what you've taught me. Thank you for raising such good children so i have a great dad. Thank you for cooking my favourite food, thank you for remembering what i like to eat. Thank you for buying me my favourite carebear for me, its been 18 yrs and i still have it with me. Thanks for giving me eyes that smile when i smile just like yours. I will miss you. I know you're tired, i just wish there's something I can do to make you feel better. daddy, mummy, kor kor and i will take good care of ah gong and gu gu.

I love you ah ma, i always have.. i just hope i'm not too late to tell you that.

With All My Love,

AnYi

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11:52 PM