Pardon me for it being so tiny.
Its in born in us to give each other hugs, but y do we gradually lose the ability when we grow up?
such irony.
i hope u have not lost the ability to reach out for a hug or realise everyone needs a warm hug once in a while to continue on with our long road home.
Stayed in the office till 1am yesterday night, reached office at 8am this morning and now i'm still in the office isnt doing much for my sanity.
hope u guys r doing more better than me.
ciao~
7:56 PM
3:09 AM
the irony of mankind..
i was browsing thru frenster, then wondering the person who 'invented' friendster wanted to make money thru a very welcomed websire with gazillion members, sold to the public it as a site that you can locate ur frens, which the public (n yes, it means u n me) uses the site to flaunt ourselves, we post the best picture of ourselves, taken at the 'best' awkward angles, to beautify ourselves.
sometimes we do so to let others know how well we r living now, sometimes purely to catch up, sometimes to get lucky, some to get laid, some to spite.
anyway, i search for my ex, on purpose in case ur wondering.
saw his picture and stared at it, for quite a while
i tot i will remember the gd or rather happy times we spent together, i expected happy memories to flood back, but they didnt.
i dun remember at all, not a single thing
though i almost immediately realised the little things that i dislike and hate about him
and realised it almost immediately
like the way i hate it when his hair become long and unkempt n he cant style his hair for nuts.
how i hate the way he... anyway, i was untolerant towards him, we were unsuitable, tt's y we broke up
tt's another story for another day
but the fact that i cant remember anything about us being together bothers me
the fact that i cant feel any feelings from before
not tt i wanna fall in love w him or anything
at least the memories
but none!
at all!
i guess i must hv subconsciously stored them in a temp file n purposely deleted them away in some corner of my brain drive when he broke my heart
y was i ever so bloody upset about him sia..
i want to slap myself..
anyway, the bigger picture is, i dun wanna forget jh this way..
he's a sweet, sensitive, funny guy
sometimes he thinks he's a sistar, he has his points tt i cant stand but tt's beyond the point.
he's still nice, won the hearts of many of my frens n he's cute.
he makes me smile
i wanna remember him like this
i nv doubt that i will forget and forgive my ex for wat he has done
but
i nv tot i will forget him so totally
he is like a total stranger now
how can someone totally forget someone after they spent 5 yrs together?
but i did.. incredelous..
i must be a genius!
i can delete useless memories and use the space for fresher nicer ones, the ones o wanna remember
hahah..
e-m-a-l
only geniuses like me r capable of that
at the same time i'm afraid of losing memories of my late grandpa, the other one, mum's dad
he passed away when i was 12
i only learnt to apreciate him more when he's gone
he wanted to teach me how to play stocks when i'm 10
but all i wanted was eat his pringles
he cooked top grade shark fin for me
i think it stinks of fishy smell
i was an ass
i was 12
i was unappreciative
he bought me toys, cooked
i made him laugh
i remember the way he smells
the way he smiles
the way he frowns
the way my uncle broke his heart
i guess we dun forget some pple after all
we remember who is impt and forget who is insignificant
the barin is a wonderful mechanism.
Lunch anybody?
12:00 PM
everyone wants a piece of me in the office!!
give me aluminium and expect me to turn it into gold.
i'm not a magician, i'm a newbie, this is my 1st job, i dunno everything!!
this is a company with 100 yrs of history n knowledge, i cant know everything.
stop giving me the irritated look when i ask questions.
if u dun want me to ask questions then tell me, 'jus do it ur way, we'll discuss when u screw up'
dun expect me to know EVERYTHING in 3 months.
ur manager dont even know how to merge a spreadsheet in excel and print in A3.
dun be so stressed up someone said.
i work in a bloody mnc, how can i not be stressed.
but if i'm paid peanuts, u get peanuts.
u dun pay peanuts and expect a monkey.
ur must be dreaming.
when i OT pple question if i am incompetent or slow.
y no one ask if i'm overloaded.
when i knock off on time, they say 'eh, today so early can go home'
my working hours is from 8.15 - 5.25, i am officially paid TILL 5.25pm
fuck the OT pay, i dun want it, fuck sweden, i dun wanna go.
i'm being sandwiched between him and her.
they HATE each other.
she expects me to do everything her way
help her in her stuff
chase him for her stuff
when i chase my him, he gimme 'that' face n says 'if she wanna chase ask her to chase it herself'
then wat am i to do?
stop putting me in the precarious position
i'm so young to feel so darn old.
i dun need this
i'm jus a lowly paid worker
i'm goin sweden cos i'm the best among the worst
not cos i'm competent
i was only working for 4 months when they decide to send me to sweden
i dun even y am i goin there for
till now i dun hv my itinery
its such a BIG company, n so many screw ups.
being asian in a scadinavian comapany, so not working
argh!!
culture here is disgusting
pple fighting over food
managers in an MNC quarrels over free food
steals n eats pple's food
disgusting
low life
uncultured
babarians
they r just waiting for retirement
idling their time away
dead logs
comin in at 9 and leaving at 5.10
yucks
if there are so many incompetent pple around in high positions
how r u expecting the unfairly treated competent pple to stay?
tai chi is the favourite past time here
its repulsive
they shld buy an island n isolate all these tai chi pple n incompetent lazy pple together
to stop them from polluting the minds of freshies
yucks.
10:33 AM
i hope the nxt time i write i'm happier.
its not that i'm unhappy with my life, or my work, i simply dun like working.
i.dislike.detest.not.looking.forward.not.ready.
i.like.to.whine.
i.have.no.one.to.talk.to.at.work.
they.r.all.at.least.twice.my.age.
i.dun.wanna.talk.about.children.and.their.exams.and.mother-in-laws.
i.wanna.talk.about.clothes.boys.fashion.makeup.hair.and.movies.
i.wanna.play.tricks.on.pple.
dun.think.my.fiftyish.boss.can.take.joke.
i.think.no.one.understands.my.jokes.so.i.dun.speak.at.all
at.least.i.have.a.stable.lunch.grp.
and.a.very.nice.senior.who.is.4.yrs.older.but.she.sits.upstairs.and.
we.can.only.'talk'.via.msn.and.during.lunch.
my.mentor.still.hasn't.cleared.the.mess.she.previously.left.at.my.place.
my.place.looks.bloody.intimidating.with.stacks.and.stacks.of.papers
.files.n.return.mails.
i.surf.net.more.than.i.work.
i.have.lost.all.my.drive.and.passion.after.seven.months.at.work.
i.stop.working.OT.cos.i.remembered.i.have.a.life.after.5.30.
but.when.i.got.home.i.ask.myself.y.am.i.home.so.early.when.i.have.work
.to.do.at.work.
i.am.a.workaholic.
i.is.disillusioning.myself.
i.need.to.buck.up.and.work.harder.
ta.ta.
hope.u'll.do.much.btr.on.your.side.
i.want.to.work.in.a.small.office.with.nice.pple.who.genuinely.cares.
but.i.realise.fun.pple.at.work.dun.care.
u.cant.find.genuinely.caring.and.nice.pple.in.one.person.
its.sad.
i.need.work.that.is.challenging.and.pays.well.
not.mudane.mthly.reports.
not.direct.mailing.campaigns.
not.advertisements.and.artworks.and.meeting.nervous.sales.pple.
sales.pple.treats.me.like.god.in.hope.we.will.advertise.with.them.
but.i.secretly.judge.them.
and.sometimes.i.dun.sell.their.ideas.to.my.boss.cos.i.dun.think.its.gd.
i.sieve.and.filter.
its.my.job.
i.know.its.a.gd.job.
pays.for.almost.everything.
but.its.an.established.mnc.it.shld.
i.am.lucky.to.land.here.for.my.1st.job.
but.y.am.i.still.unhappy.
i.dunno.
can.u.tell.me.
did.u.know.that.humans.have.terrific.memories.
even.scatter.brains.like.me.
we.nv.forget.two.things.never.ever.
we.never.forget.the.feeling.something.someone.or.somewhere.gives.us.
we.may.forget.what.exactly.induced.the.feeling.but.we.never.forget.how
.it.makes.you.feel.
tt's.probably.why.we.find.places.things.scenes.familiar.
cos.they.trigger.our.feelings.
the.2nd.thing.we.never.forget.is.the.scent.or.smell.
the.most.forgettable.would.probably.be.a.feeling.combined.with.the
.smell.
once.i.was.rushing.catch.the.train.to.school.
was.standing.behind.a.guy.
he.was.wearing.the.same.perfume.as.jh.
i.stopped.rushing.stood.2.steps.behind.him.on.the.escalator.and
.smelled.his.perfume.
the.familiar.scent.made.me.smile.
but.i.wasnt.stalking.him.or.anything.i.just.smelled.n.got.on,my.way.
whenever.my.memory.is.triggered.by.a.feeling.or.a.scent.
i.try.my.best.to.recall.when.and.where.and.whom.i.1st.felt.or.smelt.it.
i.like.the.challenge.
n.i.usually.remember.if.i.try.hard.enough.
that's.probably.y.heartbreaks.r.so.difficult.to.get.over.
we.keep.trying.so.hard.to.find.the.feeling.we.once.had.
n.so.often.we.forgot.that.the.initial.feelings.had.evolved.into
.something.deeper.
the.feelings.had.become.understanding.
but.we.forget.
and.keep.chasing.the adrenline.rush.feeling.and.forget.to.cherish.the.present.
humans.
.bleah.
its.only.human.to.err.
and.its.only.human.to.be.greedy.
i'm.thinking.of.buying.gucci.or.dior's.shades.to.sweden.
but.i'm.afraid.
being.asian.in.a.scandinavian.country.and.europe.we.stand.out
.like.a.sore.thumb.
3.women.travelling.alone.
but.oh.well.
will.think.about.it.nearer.the.date.
a.incoherent.entry.again.
tt's.who.i.am.anyway.
.ha.
9:54 AM
i read alot. i watch alot of animal planet, alot of discovery channel. i've most of Mitch Albom's books, The Five People You Meet In Heaven, Tuesdays With Morrie, even the latest For One More Day which I finished in Dec.
I recommend all of them, read and you will reflect, it is easy reading but it takes time cos ur relecting and relating to your life, if not, its fine.
A preview of Five People You Meet In Heaven:
let me warn you 1st, in all 3 books, people die..
(anyway, i realised wat i'm gonna say here has nothing to do with the latter, but anyway)
i realised that i know the simple facts of life, jus that i didnt realise and use them. wat do i mean? you will see.. . .
a simple fact 'no one is perfect' took me almost 9 yrs to realise, its a simple fact, a universal truth, yet i so often overlook, or shall i say i refuse to compromise?
i would say, i knew it was a fact, a common saying, something i knew since young, but i didnt realise it.
now i know i'm a perfectionist, after so long. now i know.. now i needed someone to tell me that. then it struck me.. Weird.
i always tell myself i wont compromise, not all stuff can be. now i tell myself, no one n nothing is perfect.
anyway, another realisation hit me even harder..
'if someone doesnt love you the way u want them to doesnt mean that they dun love u with their all'
so true, so simple, so direct, but i failed to see that. Till i read it in an email.
so now its my turn to remind you, keep this in your heart and remember it when ur mad at someone you love, be it ur family or that someone special.
to me, the world seems grey-er and the everything seems to come to a standstill on raint days. it makes people closer, nicer.
We huddle together under the umbrella to keep dry, we share, we whine together, we offer tissue and hot choco.
when was the last time you saw someone do something nice for a stranger purely outta goodwill? its been quite some time ya? wat's happened to the society?
when was the last time we flip open the papers and not see murders, robberies, abuse, fights?
se hui sheng bing le ma?
y r so many Singaporeans abusing domestic helpers?
we are one of the world's leading country, with one of the highest percentage of people who are educated.
Highly educated may i add. The people who abused them are managers, professionals. y? why do emotions and rage fly high?
it disturbs me greatly. i think maybe we need to re-evaluate our perspective of domestic helpers. They are here to help, they grew up in a village, they use pails and wells, some have never seen taps and switches and irons and stoves.
Give them time. Our bosses gave us time to adjust and orientation. Jus because they come from a developing country and we r paying them doesnt give us a right to abuse them.
reading deeper into it, the abusers are in a way 'bullying' people that are of lower authority and power, and that's foul.
and i see that as a kind of sickness, bullying someone who is alone here and has no one to turn to.
sigh~ i dun even know how i got there, discussing abuse. anyway, since i am here, i might as well continue.
in Iran, girls are being stoned to death, for those who doubt, yes, they are thrown stones till they die, or buried alive, pls see link to Maia's STOMP blog, pls be warned the last video clip is gruesome, for the faint hearted pls skip.
Its sad, but its their way of life, their culture, they cant and wont stop cos its in their head, to them its as normal as the people here are kiasu, loves queuing up and burns joss papers.
children in africa are fighting to stay alive, the children here are struggling to be top in class. Wat a joke, they dun even have paper and pens there, and we have unlimited ten yr series and assessments.
some may argue, they are born in that country, bo bian.
i know, i look at them and it breaks my heart.
Here we are earning thousands of dollars a month, some people in other parts of the world dun even have a roof over their head.
Its sad..
and there's nothing we can do about it.
i work in a mnc n i whine about my job. its a bitch.
w r blessed. we all r. If you r reading this right now, u r truly blessed. You hv an internet connection, you have the freedom to blog, freedom to access internet.
we shld be thankful.
i shld be thankful. i was offered a chance to go sweden after 4 months of working here. Does that mean my boss looks up to me? haha.. doubt so..
4:35 PM
i'm not happy, mayb not as happy as i can be.
i wanted to be so many things, i wanted to do so many things.
i had ao many dreams and aspirations.
i wanted to be a teacher, i want to go to the mountains and teach, live a rural n fulfilling life.
i wanted to be a housewife, bake cookies w my children, cook and clean the house, read stories n play soccer.
i always tot i will be happy, there was no doubt about it, but now i'm not.
r u?
10:27 AM
After taking to chao, i felt kinda regretful, but today while getting water in the pantry i felt a little free.
free for the fact that i dun hafta feel obligated to love him back the way he loved me, give as much as i've received
free for the fact tt now i can love him the way i want to, love him in my style, in my way, in any amount, guilt free.
i've always been a 'free bird' kinda person, wat other's think of me doesnt bother me,
i made decisions based on wat i like and how i feel, i dun have anything that i hafta take into consideration
i like that, i enjoy that n i appreciate for a fact that i can always go to brian for things tt i cant handle, and he will shoulder my burdens for me, for a fact tt brian nv says no to me, nv screams at me, nv raise his voice even though i was acting like a royal pain in the ass, nv left me alone in my time of need.
i love that i can depend on him n mummy n daddy, for everything.
some may think tt its high time i depend on myself, i probably shld, but not yet, i like being dependant on them, they make me feel safe.
i test my limits, i tickle my ah gong, i ask him to gimme a high-5, i wish him Happy bday n shakes his hands, i walk into his room n screams 'Hi Ah Gong!' to annouce my arrival,
n i like tt, n ah gong dun mind tt, n he remembers my name best among all grandchildren, he smiles at me, tells me stuff.
i like to test my limits n see how far i can go. that's me.
fridays are dress down days and i wear 3/4s to work, no one said anything, then i wore 'shorts' with pants materials, still no one said anything,
then i got bored n wore jeans..
i'm bored.. yawns..
5:07 PM
白色的风筝
安静的纯真
真实的感觉
梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水
复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着
握住我的手
梦希望没有尽头我们走到这就好
因为我不想太快走完这幸福
很可惜没有祝福
但爱你并不孤独
不会再让你哭
我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我
说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么反正不会松手
我陪你走到最后
能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手
晚一点再到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间
谢谢你让我听见
因为我在等待永远
the 1st time he heard this song he asked me to listen to the lyrics, but i jus pretended i knew cos i tot its just another jay's song, but today when i came across the lyrics, i finally know wat he meant.. i felt like breaking, he knew me more than i think he did...
i tend to magnify our significant other's 'bad' point and then they dun seem as significant anymore. i need to wk on that..
went drinking on monday night after the big event, didnt think i drank alot, but i guess drank too quickly, a couple of beers n shots, when i got home, i almost hurled at my door step, thk god i didnt, i manage to change, take out my contact n plonk into bed, even manage to call dar n inform him tt i cant wait up fpr him, even manage a couple of stupid sms-es but didnt manage to take off my make up, yucks.. i promise my body i will lay off alcohol for a long long time.. its not doin so well for my sanity...
9:17 AM
My Name
Friend