| Your Love Life Secrets Are |
 Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.
You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt.
You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back.
In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.
Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high. |
Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed
11:46 PM
recollection of horrible memories flooded back recently, i saw a fren in a somewat similar situation, memories swirled backed. I see wat she was going thru n i feel the pain, like a heavy lead had hit the bottom of my heart, heavy n painful. I felt like i was going thru it all over again, the pain, hurt, denial and confusion. I was constantly mad at the wrong pple, the onnocent party that has done nothing wrong but met me at the wrong time, all i can say to him is tt i'm truely sorry. I guess i have never healed from previous pains and never allowed myself to think too much about it, at that time i just want it to be over quickly n let myself heal, so i chose to forget. But human's subconscious is a brilliant thing, they won't just let u forget. Denial is no longer working, i know that i have not healed and have lost all faith.
Sometimes i ask myself, y not try again, but i know i can't, it wil just prolong the pain for both. I am not ready. Y took u so long to find out? some may ask. U'll never know after u tried, i've took time to try n really tried. Many obstacles came along the way, i told myself 'love conquers all fear' but i failed, it takes more than love. i'm unhappy, i've tried to make myself happy, acting as if nothing happened, laughing, sleeping it away, not thinking about it, buying stuffs to make myself happy.. but all doesn't seem to be wkin.. Wat's wrong with me? why can't i be happy again?...
11:07 PM
Jessica, Ah Ma's maid, wanted me to find out more about skin cancer on line and print it out for her, her mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 of Melanoma, a rare skin cancer, to simply put it, it starts with a mole and slowly mutate into cancer, so those with moles that are changing into patches and getting wider in diameter please do go online and search for 'Melanoma'. They have a list for self checking.
Jessica asked me 'anyi, my mum's cancer is melanoma and its in stage 4, isit serious?' I was caught off guard, to my limited knowledge which is obtained from crappy tv serials, stage 4 is usually the last stage of cancer.
Its bothering me than usual because a close fren of mine has lost his mum to cancer. He called me when i was in lab (poly times), he called and started casually with the usual wat're you doing and that blah, then he said he was in the hospice and his mum almost stopped breathing just now, he put it so casually across but i felt the hurt. i knew about his mum's condition and is familiar with his mum, she is a great lady with an fantastic personality, she is the one that taught me that parents' relationship with their children need not be authoritative, they can be like frens, and even buddies. That's how my mum came about being my best fren.
I excused myself from the project that i was doing, asked one of my group mates to pray for my fren's mum and left. He waited for me at TTSH and we walked over to the hospice. I was surprised at how strong he was, he always have been. His mum greeted me with a wide smile and asked me if i was feeling better, (i had some medical problem when i was younger), even though we haven meet in about 4 years, she remembers. Her frame was small and frail yet her eyes showed enormous strength.
We watched tv with her and i fed her her lunch, my fren talked about his day and encouraged his mum that everything was fine, the doc's optimistic, blah, blah.. She told us about her past, her mum, how she was adopted and all.. She spoke happily with fondness in her eyes. We stayed with her tll late.
The next day, his mum passed away, my fren called me to tell me. I called my mum at her school and burst out crying at the corridor in sch, mum explained that life is fragile and i gotta be strong. I called Serene, she was in poly at that time, she knows i deal very badly with death and sickness and rushed down to see me, i cried, n she comforted.
To cut this painful memory short, i went to auntie's funeral and i cried the worst there, even worst than the deceased family. Even my fren had to in turn comfort me, after the crementation i cried bitterly outside the toilet with my 3 buddies surrounding me in shock, i was crying in relation to another matter. They were shocked when i told them why and cindy chided me for keepin such a thing to myself n said,'ur always like tt, keeping things to urself, even such a big thing, but we shld know better, u've always been this way.' Till today, i remembered her words.
After the funeral, i lied in bed for two days, not wanting to leave my room. Daddy said i was too emotional but i just cried harder, Mum hushed him and told him its my 1st encounter with death of this sort and asked him to give me space and time.
I believe that we do everything for a reason, even if its just a simple one, like y do we slp? cos we're tired. y do u wanna sit down? cos i feel like. I was much more deeply disturbed by Jessica's problem then i usually am and i wondered why? Then i dug out this incident from my memory. Though painful, i wanna remember so i would treasure my family more.
My aunt has lent Jessica money to send back to her family and i'm intending to ask her to lend Jessica more money this sunday when i visit ah gong. I know i can, she cares for my ah gong n ah ma lovingly, she's not perfect but she's trying, she has helped eased so much of wk, my aunt has a soft heart, im sure i can persuade her. Wish me luck!
PS: pls remind me to print out the cancer info in lab tmr, in case i forgot. =)
12:11 AM
tonight i've said the most hurting words and in turn received the most heart-wrenching reply.. Isn't it the one i've been wanting to hear all along? If it is, why am i broken? typical anyi, ruiner... Is the pain really better as compared to the stress? It is really starting to match up now.. Even if things were to go back, will it be the same as before? pops says im not the happy person anymore, she can sense a heavy sadness she has never seen before. Thks girls, gimme time, time will heal all.. =) If happiness is really a journey, i am currently taking a rest from the trip in a nice resort with a breathetaking sunset view.. No worries, i'll pick myself up in the shortest time possible. I have lost all the courage to love and be loved, n i have hurt the one that has taught me how to love unconditionally deeply, if you're reading this, i'm truly sorry..
I find myself quieter, having more impluse buys.. Thank God for blessing me with such wonderfully understanding frens, they are accomodating and supportive throughout. Special thks to my special 5s.. n not forgetting dols. =)
I am sad, genuinely upset, but i haven cried yet, cos i dun want mummy n daddy to know, im the happiness spreader at home, n i should never be sad, there is no reason to, they gave me everything i ever wanted n so much more. When i was young, i asked my mummy, 'mummy, wat would u do if ur children fall out of love?' mummy replied' i will hug them n cry with them, falling out of love is inevitable, at least my children will know that mummy n daddy will still love them no matter wat' Isn't my mummy the greatest? how can i let such a wonderful mummy worry about me? i have never let her worry about me except for my health and i never intend to. So if anyone calls my place n my mummy happen to ask if i'm doing ok, pls say yes except for sch stress.. =P
1:05 AM
My Name
Friend